Thursday 31 December 2009

Should I stay or should I go?

I'm thinking more of The Clash than any deep and meaningful question. In any case, I don't believe anyone has yet written a song entitled "I'm really confused, is this sex, an affair, a relationship ... oh sod it whatever it is I'm having too much fun to stop right now" so if I was going to quote a song, I wouldn't have an appropriate song to quote. Next, imagine the classic opening riff to said Clash song ....

Now, why should that pop into my head all of a sudden? Ah yes, Mr Magic. After another wonderful twenty four hours, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

He is delicious and delightful in almost every way, and even the ways in which he is not delicious and delightful are not what I would call deal breakers. I am increasingly finding that the more time I spend with him that more time I want to spend with him, but there is also a linear relationship to my desire to call the whole thing off. I wouldn't know where to start to describe him between the handsomeness, the cooking, the intelligence, the hand holding, the gentle kisses, the suppressed dom, the confidence, the insecurities, the loveliness, the intuition - all wonderful aspects to discover of him.

This is not a man who does not know what he wants, so why is it he does not know if he wants me? I'm all for enjoying the moment, living life to the full, but the highs with him are so high it make the lows, which are lower than I've ever seen, seem even lower. Now, because it's a beautiful song, and I've nothing further sensible to conclude: Set Fire to the Third Bar

Sunday 27 December 2009

Wh?

Where does it start, and where does it stop? What should you do when you can't see the woods for the trees when you are quite happy looking at the trees? And how do you know what to do next?

He is no longer just a figment of my imagination; for some time he has been a living breathing body, living beside me, breathing beside me, completing a puzzle I didn't realise required a resolution. Does he fulfill my ego, or is he penetrating it? What will he do when he realises he has my heart?

Instinct drives me to despair, to a place where I am at his mercy, he is at mine, and we are at each others. Is it him that I like, or is it myself in him that I like? How far can you go with someone who pushes you in the way that you push them?

How much would you sacrifice for a journey of self-exploration? That is the real question. When I decided that nothing would be off limits with Him I don't think I realised what was beyond my self imposed limits, so yet again I find myself in sticky territory, longing to be alone and to have the space which that allows, yet simultaneously yearning to share that time with Him for nothing more than to clock up yet more magical hours spent with Him, as well as the periodic tender kiss onto my forehead that he is so fond of delivering.

As I commit pixels to monitor I'm immediately drawn to the backspace button - it's so much more than that. I don't know where this will stop, when it will stop, or if it should stop - my instinct is telling me that it will but does not allude to a reason. Is it me, is it him, is it us? I don't know, but I quiver at the thought of him, and the thought of more of him, and at the thought of more of us.

I know who he is now, he's the Magician.

Wednesday 9 December 2009

In Denial

For a while now I've been trying to recall the best sex I've ever had. This is purposeful twofold; firstly it passes the time of day as and when required, and secondly, I'm so blown away by my current lover I can't quite accept it's the best I've ever had. What makes sex great, or should I ask what makes great sex?

A close friend once informed me that having sex with someone you love was such an amazing experience it was incomparable to that which you would have from casual sex. I have always disagreed with that, in part because she only had experience of the loving kind, but also because, well, to be perfectly honest I consider it a silly statement. Sex in a loving relationship is only good if you want it, they want it, and it all works nicely in tandem.

Casual sex is great, but always on the premise that it's great because that's what you want. Take Mr Green, who I saw on and off for a year or so - our relationship was not strictly monogamous, nor committed on a full time basis - he was lovely but had issues with not being good enough for me (oddly in a social standing kind of way, not a sexual one) which ultimately was our downfall. There was only room in that relationship for one self destructive neurotic, and that was me!! So on we go ...

Mr Green was challenging - emotionally, intellectually and physically - he was, and to some degree still is, someone special and absolutely brilliant in bed! The other most notable partner, Mr Marine (who surely deserves at least one dedicated post at a later date such is his deliciousness), was predominantly challenging physically, and fared pretty well on the other two fronts, though not in such an enjoyable way - but boy was he, and is he, hot hot hot!! The current Mr, a suitable moniker is still not yet forthcoming, blows them both out of the water in the most curious way.

Boundaries that I refuse to accept do not seem to exist with him which leaves us with a 'the world is our oyster' feeling. We move between loving and tender, to rough and intense, back the other way and then everything in between as easily as putting one foot in front of the other. The very thought of him is intoxicating, let alone when he is between my legs, but it goes beyond the act of sex alone, it covers ever interaction with him. The intensity of the connection we have on an intellectual and physical level, and I pause before adding an emotional level, leads to the most mind blowing sex I have ever had which I think neatly answers my question ... I do like it when that happens!!

The question that now follows, for me at least, is, given our scarily similar selves, is this a relationship built on narcissism? I think I have some reading to do before I consider that one fully ...