Before I go any further, I need to clear the air: I didn't embark on this relationship with the intention of starting an affair. In actual fact I have tried every trick in the book to end it precisely because I didn't want to start an affair. To counterbalance that, I've also tried with all of my heart to see if we could be friends. The net result appears to be that I'm having an affair, or at least I think I am ... I'm still not convinced that's what I'm actually doing.
He has been attached to dowdy girlfriend since we met. She is the type of woman who travels abroad for extended periods of time, years on end, he is the type of man who suddenly discovered at some point in the past couple of years that he's actually charming, attractive to other women and has quite a presence about him. I don't know her well at all, but I know that she does not like me one bit, and at this point in time I'd say quite rightly too. In all, they are a very odd coupling.
So we have him, we have her, and we have me. We tried an evening out with a few other friends, and it descended quite rapidly into chaos, never to be repeated. What followed was months of trying to be friends under her radar whilst all the while realising that was not what either of us wanted. He never mentions her, citing conflict of interest, and I don't ask - his only concession is to go so far as to say they both agree the relationship is not working. Having anticipated her next departure would very likely change the way he dealt with me, I distanced myself from him.
What followed is what takes us to the present day. In a nutshell, once she'd gone he asked me out to dinner, claiming they'd separated and he was a single man. I made a last gasp effort to push him away to which he responded by issuing me with an ultimatum - which I should point out was a very brave move to try on me - dinner, no dinner, answer now because he won't ask again. I buckled, we had a wonderful dinner, I saw him again and we ended up in bed. Amazed by my willpower aren't you?
So why don't I believe him? I say: "I'm single", he says: "I'm as single as it is going to get". To say that I like him is a gross understatement; he captures me in a way that leaves me breathless and unable to comprehend functioning without him in my life. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, something to break the spell because deep down I don't expect him to break up with her and be with me. The reason I say that is that can't imagine being with someone who could carry on like he does, behind her back. But then, I never thought I'd be the one to have an affair ...
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Hey Hot Cockles,
ReplyDeleteYou know for the record: I never thought I'd have an affair with a married man and be "the other woman" but I did AND then I never thought I'd be the type to screw around on my husband but then I did - moral of the story is that one never knows what life has in store so just grab life and whatever's thrown at you by both hands and live it to the full baby..
XOXO as always,
Wifey
Isn't this "the" predicament in these situations, especially when the affair really isn't an affair at all but more like a "relationship". And that's what it is, isn't it, if indeed he leaves you "breathless and unable to comprehend functioning without him in [your] life"??
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you'll get all sorts of advice here, but here's my two cents worth. Though our situations are very different, at one point I was much like your your fellow: in a relationship that wasn't working, not talking about it, in an "affair". The thing is I'm now quite ready to jump in an make the affair a fully public relation, though that is quite terrifying. And what marks my situation now is an unsettling sense that two adulterers just can't so easily forget that the other did in fact "carry on" behind a spouse's back. But that shouldn't prohibit one from trying to make it happen, should it?
Oh how lovely to have two very understanding responses - thank you!
ReplyDeleteI constantly struggle between the 'lifes for living' attitude and the 'this is wrong' perspective ... and it hurts my head!! Don't get me wrong, I can see life without him, but when he gave me an ultimatum I took leave of my senses and just couldn't make the choice to cut him off. This is all new to me as well, perhaps a point I'll expand on at a later date ... I'm normally the one saying goodbye, please leave me alone!! It's fair to say I've had my fair share too, and he really is in a different league ...
MP - you raise a good point, it shouldn't stop one from trying ...
LHC xx
It is a problem isn't it, but the reality is that there are many people out there caught up in unsatisfactory relationships and unwilling or unable to leave until a tipping point arrives.
ReplyDeleteThere are plenty of longstanding marriages that started through affairs. (although I'm struggling to come up with an example, I am sure that's right)
Two statistics for you
1). 74% of second marriages between people who met adulterously last longer than the first marriage.
2). 80% of statistics in blog comments are fabricated for effect.
Ha ha ha!! I see why you're called Happy :-D
ReplyDeleteI have an aversion to the M word, so I'll replace marriage with LTR if that's ok with you else shivers will run down my spine so hard my teeth might fall out, and I'd prefer that not to happen for a long while yet ...
LHC xx
ive experienced both sides now ,the wife who finds out and is devistated beyond belief and the adulterer and i know which i prefer. The trick is definately to always be aware of what you are doing and the consiquences of your actions.Then chuck the lot out the window and enjoy yourself.xxx good luck.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sunslover - that's pretty much what I'm doing!! I did however feel uneasy at continuing to write about this subject without first having put across my perspective - perhaps more therapeutic than necessary :-)
ReplyDeleteLHC xx