Oh cher!

Je suis un idiot! I don't like playing games, I don't like games being played with me, and I don't like watching people play games with each other ... so of course I find myself playing a game! I feared events would turn ugly: He, or I, or we, have started already, and today at least I have not the patience for such things!

I find myself in uncharted territory, feeling something like an abandoned Wellington boot, stuck fast in a thick bog, waiting quietly for its owner to return and claim him from the forces of nature. I am struggling severely to maintain the degree of decorum that is required to let nature takes its course as one needs to in any blossoming relationship. What will happen next, and the time after that, and the time after that ...?

I don't think I can wait, but I know that I have to. I don't want the physical to dominate the intellectual nature of our relationship, or vice versa, they are not, after all, mutually exclusive. Despite me having gotten very much a part of what I want from him, on many levels, I can't bare to think he has too. In a probable awkward and unconventional way I think we have to lead each other through the quagmire, but are not quite ready for that next step, not just yet.

He has made a tentative, but inelegant move to introduce the concept of seeing me again, and I have blown back with equally inelegant piffle. Neither of us are in any doubt that we want to see each other, but the capacity within which that would happen is not disagreed upon, but nor is it agreed. We, or I, or he, are, or is, I suggest, scared at what might happen next if we were to arrange another meeting.

He knows when he has the opportunity to see me without arrangement; at the party of an of-sorts mutual friend, and I'm digging my heels in enough to refrain from asking him to accompany me, or at the very least to join me at the bar. I think he won't go though he's had plenty of notice and surely has the motivation, because it's a public place where cameras will be flashing, and because he does not know what to expect of me in such a situation. If I gave him the opportunity to respond to that opinion, he would surely say I am wrong, of that I have no doubt, so I am suffocating his ability to say anything on the matter at all...

I'm now going to sit back and wait for Saturday to come.