Neurosis

I invited him to join me for dinner on Saturday, and in the style of 17th century companions, we corresponded through his acceptance, the arrangements and his concern that the lack of chaperone may have on my reputation. You may ask why, but I ask why not? We've put the debacle of the previous weekend behind us, and I am resolved that whilst not necessary, I need to make an effort that he is not necessarily aware of, but which he will appreciate.

I'm happy to admit I have a few neurosis: I'm not keen on displaying affection in public, I loathe neediness and I have a horrible tendency to separate emotions from sex. The net result is that the man at the end of my attentions finds that I'm attentive and adventurous in bed, but I won't hold hands in public without cringing and am laid back regarding when I may see him next which often appears ambivalent and occasionally cold. In principle you could argue that there is nothing wrong with this, but it very much goes against certain aspects of my character so is often confusing for the recipient.

I'm very aware that the two occasions I've ended up spending the night with Him, it's been at the end of an alcohol fuelled evening. Not excessively so, but if you put it into the context that it's natural where alcohol is involved for your normal barriers to be lowered, it prompts an unpleasant question. Am I more likely to display affection and emotion when I've had a drink? I think this is in part true, and that I'm not likely to be alone in that, but I also recognise that with Him there are lots of uncertainties surrounding our relationship that leave me uneasy and as a consequence less likely to overcome these neurosis.

So I am resolved that necessary or not, it would be to both our benefit for me to make more of an effort in these regards. Our dinner date was lovely - a nice evening with good conversation as companions, and later, as anticipated, we got down to business ;-) Yet another sleepless night, toe curling engagement, pushing of boundaries and genuine ongoing and seemingly unending pleasure. But amusingly, I feel the need to remember to take his hand next time that I see him, because I think he'd quite like it.