Swearing is apparently reserved for those who can't express themselves properly ... let me be one of those people

Fuck me! I've never been blown off before, and I mean in the theoretical sense! On Monday he's citing being too busy with training and cake baking this whole week he can only see me for lunch on Wednesday (essential background: apparently working from home last week when I invited him for a drink after work, and too busy baking cakes for a cake sale to see me after work this Friday which was my only other option) so two weeks have passed since I last saw him - as this isn't supposed to be an affair, it does seem a bit odd he's not champing at the bit to see me, given his professed passion for all things Hot Cockles.

It's not the end of the world, but bear with me here. This morning he sent me an early morning text message apologising but informing me that he can't meet me for lunch as he's ill and has to stay at home to go to the Doctors. So far, so fair ... until I called him to see how he'd gotten on, and how he was. Nothing unreasonable there (though note he didn't call when I was ill last week, though to be fair he did offer me a delivery of home made soup which never transpired, but to be fair again, I was out of the office which was a main contributory factor In the non-delivery). He's not ill, he has an ailment, an infection, one that did not stop him going to the gym this morning, but still, in my book that deserves a degree of sympathy.

It's Wednesday right? That's two days after Monday, the Monday he says he has too much on to see me ... and now he says actually it's ok, because he was planning on taking a few days off this week. For what, I've no idea, and at this moment, I care not one bit as it was not followed with 'Would you like to ...". I say cunt! Not to him (as that would be distasteful!) but I say it to you.

Now, I know how full my diary is, how he severely dislikes planning, how he says he wants to see me when time allows etc etc etc ... so it's not likely without a bit of planning that I will see him ... can you see why I'm getting bored?!! We're back to him being a spineless idiot, too concerned with piffling and paffling his way through conversations rather than acting like the grown man that he is. Is it really too much to expect him to make reference to rearranging, or to feeling a tiny bit of sorrow he won't be seeing me? Clearly, yes, and so be it.

I'm back to holding my head in my hands in despair, mentally resolving to move on but in reality feeling like the bottom has fallen out of my world. On the way home this evening I was as close to tears as I ever get, not because he'd blustered his way through keeping me at a distance, making it clear he won't be better until at least Monday (newsflash - I'm at a wedding this weekend, trade fair next week, not free until next Saturday but as he doesn't ask, he doesn't know), but because it's getting so clear to me that I need to have "The Conversation" with him.

I don't like being handled at all. I've accepted a middle ground with him, I don't object when he makes attempts to handle me, to manage my expectations in such a fashion, and nor do I accept them, but I have a threshold and he has just reached it. I almost feel proud it's gone over my normal three month mark, but really, I should have grown out of that by now so it's nothing to be proud of.

In case my obscene rant isn't quite clear enough; What a fucking idiot he is! Is he trying to play me? Who the fuck knows. I may love, in the most platonic sense, the man he is, and how he makes me feel, but as he is right now, he's not good enough. I have learnt from past mistakes, made it clear as I can that I want to see him, how I want to see him and he fails to respond in an acceptable fashion. So for now, I have no other way to describe him other than to say he is a cunt.

NB: If it wasn't for the second day in a row early morning encounter and then, as special bonus, an evening encounter on the tube with Mr Daniel Craig (no, not the real one, just a delectable man who conjures the 'emerging from the sea in tiny blue shorts' scene), I may have lost all faith in attractive men. For the record, that would be a disaster!!

20th January

I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince, but this is just not working, or at least it's not what I want. Is this the three month curse for real, is it a real doubt, or am i just at the mercy of my recently very sporadic emotions? I need to talk to him, I think a target of the end of January is a good idea.

I need to tell him that I'm thinking of calling it a day with him. That the longer I go on seeing him the more it feels like an affair and the more that becomes an unacceptable situation to be in. That I can't just stop sleeping with him to absolve my guilt and unease, because as lovely as he is, I want to be with him, not sat opposite him in the most platonic of ways.

My gut is telling me that something is not right, and I know what that us, but I really have to do something about it as it's becoming too much to bear. Is it her? Partly, but it's also Him, and the way he chooses to deal with contentious issues. Even writing that I feel uneasy - for example, he says he's planning three weeks away and I don't ask where, and he doesn't tell. So really, as bad as he is, I am too. Not that this all too frequent observation helps one bit but I guess one us has to break the cycle and it's not going to be him!

Logic says that if you remove the factors about which you can be proactive, the problem lies in the factors about which you can do nothing. These, as I see it are twofold. Firstly, I can't effectively affect his relationship with Her. Secondly, I can, as long as I am true to myself, do nothing about how he feels about me.

I don't doubt he likes me, and I don't doubt he has issues with Her, apply both in the reverse and I conclude that neither has any real effect on the other. I guess my conclusion for today is that if I'm having an affair I'd like to know about it, and choose whether I want it to continue. He's had his cake and I think it's about time I had mine.