24th January

In tradition of not looking back, I refuse to re-read anything I have already written. This may be to my detriment. Since my last entry my mind has been swung between cutting him out of life completely, and partially, and indeed continuing as we are .. so thus i am none the wiser.

I really don't know what to do. But I know that every time I sleep with him I feel a sense of, it's not quite guilt, or shame, but more disappointment. To spend time with him is an unexpected high, one which I am not aware of at the time, but when he leaves (as it's always him that leaves) it's as if my world falls to its knees.

There is now, of course, the knowledge that he is soon to spend two weeks visiting Her. Not something that is a surprise, or a disappointment, which in itself is a curious reaction.