Clearing the air

Before I go any further, I need to clear the air: I didn't embark on this relationship with the intention of starting an affair. In actual fact I have tried every trick in the book to end it precisely because I didn't want to start an affair. To counterbalance that, I've also tried with all of my heart to see if we could be friends. The net result appears to be that I'm having an affair, or at least I think I am ... I'm still not convinced that's what I'm actually doing.

He has been attached to dowdy girlfriend since we met. She is the type of woman who travels abroad for extended periods of time, years on end, he is the type of man who suddenly discovered at some point in the past couple of years that he's actually charming, attractive to other women and has quite a presence about him. I don't know her well at all, but I know that she does not like me one bit, and at this point in time I'd say quite rightly too. In all, they are a very odd coupling.

So we have him, we have her, and we have me. We tried an evening out with a few other friends, and it descended quite rapidly into chaos, never to be repeated. What followed was months of trying to be friends under her radar whilst all the while realising that was not what either of us wanted. He never mentions her, citing conflict of interest, and I don't ask - his only concession is to go so far as to say they both agree the relationship is not working. Having anticipated her next departure would very likely change the way he dealt with me, I distanced myself from him.

What followed is what takes us to the present day. In a nutshell, once she'd gone he asked me out to dinner, claiming they'd separated and he was a single man. I made a last gasp effort to push him away to which he responded by issuing me with an ultimatum - which I should point out was a very brave move to try on me - dinner, no dinner, answer now because he won't ask again. I buckled, we had a wonderful dinner, I saw him again and we ended up in bed. Amazed by my willpower aren't you?

So why don't I believe him? I say: "I'm single", he says: "I'm as single as it is going to get". To say that I like him is a gross understatement; he captures me in a way that leaves me breathless and unable to comprehend functioning without him in my life. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, something to break the spell because deep down I don't expect him to break up with her and be with me. The reason I say that is that can't imagine being with someone who could carry on like he does, behind her back. But then, I never thought I'd be the one to have an affair ...