20th January

I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince, but this is just not working, or at least it's not what I want. Is this the three month curse for real, is it a real doubt, or am i just at the mercy of my recently very sporadic emotions? I need to talk to him, I think a target of the end of January is a good idea.

I need to tell him that I'm thinking of calling it a day with him. That the longer I go on seeing him the more it feels like an affair and the more that becomes an unacceptable situation to be in. That I can't just stop sleeping with him to absolve my guilt and unease, because as lovely as he is, I want to be with him, not sat opposite him in the most platonic of ways.

My gut is telling me that something is not right, and I know what that us, but I really have to do something about it as it's becoming too much to bear. Is it her? Partly, but it's also Him, and the way he chooses to deal with contentious issues. Even writing that I feel uneasy - for example, he says he's planning three weeks away and I don't ask where, and he doesn't tell. So really, as bad as he is, I am too. Not that this all too frequent observation helps one bit but I guess one us has to break the cycle and it's not going to be him!

Logic says that if you remove the factors about which you can be proactive, the problem lies in the factors about which you can do nothing. These, as I see it are twofold. Firstly, I can't effectively affect his relationship with Her. Secondly, I can, as long as I am true to myself, do nothing about how he feels about me.

I don't doubt he likes me, and I don't doubt he has issues with Her, apply both in the reverse and I conclude that neither has any real effect on the other. I guess my conclusion for today is that if I'm having an affair I'd like to know about it, and choose whether I want it to continue. He's had his cake and I think it's about time I had mine.