27th January, later still & the letter

Ok, seven hours later and of course this is still playing on my mind and it's driving me to distraction. It's now 11pm and I've finished work and taken an evening class in the intervening period as well as having checked my phone constantly in case I've missed a text from him. That last part is just sad but part & parcel of modern telecommunications and of our relationship.

As you can imagine my mind is racing through a vast number of scenarios, few end well, and I'm at the very real risk of repeating myself so I shall move on. So let me end this silly saga by writing him a letter that he is never intended to read:

"To my dearest & darling Mr Magic,

I love you. Not in the romantic sense but in the way that I love everything about you, and who you are as a person. I think if time allowed, I would fall in love with you, in the deepest and most romantic sense that is perceivable to me. I do, however, think that that time is not now, and I wonder, and I fear that if not now, it never will be.

I find myself involved with you, sometimes involuntarily, in the most physical and emotional ways. When I am with you I can't see the woods for the trees so much I wonder if there are any trees at all?

I dearly wish you would sort out whatever you need to sort out with Her, relatively quickly too. If that means letting me go, or pushing me away for a while, or forever then so be it. The thought of this scares me to the brink of tears and foolishness, but it is not a thought I have overlooked.

I can't say that I have the experience, and on occasion I'd go so far as to say the maturity, to know how to deal with this correctly so I'm loathe to be content with the prospect of making mistakes. If I could see you, or sleep with you, or hold your hand one last time I would, and I may still yet, but right at this moment I don't think that I can.

True to my word I can't spend time with you in the way that I want to spend time with you all of the time that you have a girlfriend, trial separation or not. If you can't resolve your difference with her then you can't move on with me and I dearly wish you would. So visit her, don't visit her, see me, don't see me, it's up to you but until you resolve your relationship with Her, I don't want to see you. Whilst not the most deft play on words I could have conjured, I like to think you see where I have left the door open, but if you don't see it, I won't tell you.

I may not want to see you, but I will, and I would, if only you'd ask. So the next time you invite me to spend the night with you, at mine or at a hotel (as it surely won't be at yours), I'll hum and har and tell you we need to talk. You'll get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you get when you are about to embark on a conversation you do not wish to have, but it will not be unexpected. You'll be waiting for it and for that reason alone I'm going to make you wait. Not out of malice, or gentle amusement, but because I'm going to be so very selfish and spend some cherished moments with you before the unpleasantness starts all over again.

This is based in a few key factors. Firstly I can't think of anything other than a marriage proposal (and no, I'm not joking) that would make me believe that you wanted me above all others. Secondly, I want you to want me above all others, and thirdly, if you were stupid enough to propose marriage as a solution I'd very easily be able to walk away and not look back.

I believe this is a vicious circle so for the time being I've got nothing else to do other than be selfish and enjoy you a while longer. I'll admit, I'm also a little curious to see how you deal with that feeling of knowing that something is coming your way but not wishing at all to provoke it any earlier than is absolutely necessary.

Is this game playing? Yes. But then my dear, you are the one who invited me to play. I'd much rather talk to you about how I feel and try to sort it out but I don't think it's realistic given the current tit-for-tat nature of our relationship. I do dearly wish it wasn't like this, but as you swing between offering delivery of home made soup when I'm poorly, and your clear statements of wanting to see me from time to time, when we both have the time and inclination (a phrase, incidentally that makes me want to attack you with a cheese grater), I find that I have little choice than to join you for the ride.

Looking ahead I see deal-breakers, which seem manageable despite unfavourable outcomes, and perhaps a few more games. You can be assured though, that all the while you capture my attention, and so far it's unnervingly unfaltering, you'll be the only man who captures me. I'll never deal you the same cards you play me with. I'll simply withdraw, as gracefully as I can, from the game and it will be over.

So you see I love you and I loathe you. It very much appears that you have failed to move on from being a trinket, except perhaps that now you are my favourite, and only trinket. For the record though, I much prefer Emeralds.

All my love,

LHC x"