27th January, later still & the letter

Ok, seven hours later and of course this is still playing on my mind and it's driving me to distraction. It's now 11pm and I've finished work and taken an evening class in the intervening period as well as having checked my phone constantly in case I've missed a text from him. That last part is just sad but part & parcel of modern telecommunications and of our relationship.

As you can imagine my mind is racing through a vast number of scenarios, few end well, and I'm at the very real risk of repeating myself so I shall move on. So let me end this silly saga by writing him a letter that he is never intended to read:

"To my dearest & darling Mr Magic,

I love you. Not in the romantic sense but in the way that I love everything about you, and who you are as a person. I think if time allowed, I would fall in love with you, in the deepest and most romantic sense that is perceivable to me. I do, however, think that that time is not now, and I wonder, and I fear that if not now, it never will be.

I find myself involved with you, sometimes involuntarily, in the most physical and emotional ways. When I am with you I can't see the woods for the trees so much I wonder if there are any trees at all?

I dearly wish you would sort out whatever you need to sort out with Her, relatively quickly too. If that means letting me go, or pushing me away for a while, or forever then so be it. The thought of this scares me to the brink of tears and foolishness, but it is not a thought I have overlooked.

I can't say that I have the experience, and on occasion I'd go so far as to say the maturity, to know how to deal with this correctly so I'm loathe to be content with the prospect of making mistakes. If I could see you, or sleep with you, or hold your hand one last time I would, and I may still yet, but right at this moment I don't think that I can.

True to my word I can't spend time with you in the way that I want to spend time with you all of the time that you have a girlfriend, trial separation or not. If you can't resolve your difference with her then you can't move on with me and I dearly wish you would. So visit her, don't visit her, see me, don't see me, it's up to you but until you resolve your relationship with Her, I don't want to see you. Whilst not the most deft play on words I could have conjured, I like to think you see where I have left the door open, but if you don't see it, I won't tell you.

I may not want to see you, but I will, and I would, if only you'd ask. So the next time you invite me to spend the night with you, at mine or at a hotel (as it surely won't be at yours), I'll hum and har and tell you we need to talk. You'll get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that you get when you are about to embark on a conversation you do not wish to have, but it will not be unexpected. You'll be waiting for it and for that reason alone I'm going to make you wait. Not out of malice, or gentle amusement, but because I'm going to be so very selfish and spend some cherished moments with you before the unpleasantness starts all over again.

This is based in a few key factors. Firstly I can't think of anything other than a marriage proposal (and no, I'm not joking) that would make me believe that you wanted me above all others. Secondly, I want you to want me above all others, and thirdly, if you were stupid enough to propose marriage as a solution I'd very easily be able to walk away and not look back.

I believe this is a vicious circle so for the time being I've got nothing else to do other than be selfish and enjoy you a while longer. I'll admit, I'm also a little curious to see how you deal with that feeling of knowing that something is coming your way but not wishing at all to provoke it any earlier than is absolutely necessary.

Is this game playing? Yes. But then my dear, you are the one who invited me to play. I'd much rather talk to you about how I feel and try to sort it out but I don't think it's realistic given the current tit-for-tat nature of our relationship. I do dearly wish it wasn't like this, but as you swing between offering delivery of home made soup when I'm poorly, and your clear statements of wanting to see me from time to time, when we both have the time and inclination (a phrase, incidentally that makes me want to attack you with a cheese grater), I find that I have little choice than to join you for the ride.

Looking ahead I see deal-breakers, which seem manageable despite unfavourable outcomes, and perhaps a few more games. You can be assured though, that all the while you capture my attention, and so far it's unnervingly unfaltering, you'll be the only man who captures me. I'll never deal you the same cards you play me with. I'll simply withdraw, as gracefully as I can, from the game and it will be over.

So you see I love you and I loathe you. It very much appears that you have failed to move on from being a trinket, except perhaps that now you are my favourite, and only trinket. For the record though, I much prefer Emeralds.

All my love,

LHC x"

27th January

i really must make more time for this as I keep stopping and starting as it's getting me nowhere. Last night I had the most unpleasant dream - that I was having sex with a very attractive man who was covered in places with what can only be described as infectious looking legions.

This is not rocket science is it? No matter which way I bury my head in the sand the result is still the same - I can't continue to have unprotected sex with a man who may, or may not have unprotected sex with another woman, namely Her, when he goes to see her in an undefined number of weeks time. If we settle on this for a moment, and not all other related factors - I'm going to have to tell him. Not I suppose, so much for his sake, but for mine - he might be quite content to stay quiet on the matter, or to rely on his principle of 'if you wanted to know you'd ask', but that's not the way i want to be treated and thus not the way I wish to treat other people.

I guess the question is how long do I leave it? (Answer = don't put it off you idiot!) And, how do I tell him? (Answer = tell him straight!) Phone or face to face?

... too much planning. Not likely to see him for a while, so I guess I'll have to leave it for a bit longer. Miserable as that seems because we all know that I don't want to stop seeing him, or any of the above. This is all so bloody irritating as I can't help but think how he may react despite it clearly being out of my control. Oh my god - the four millionth scenario has just popped into my head. What on earth do I do if he says 'Ok, not a problem'? I suspect blow a fuse and excuse myself on a permanent basis just as quickly as I could!!

25th January

A disappointment, that's not quite right either.

I perhaps mean that I'm disappointed, and not with him, with myself.

Sleeping with him, spending time with him, is actually fantastic! I've paused to think about that for quite some time as having committed pen to paper I wonder if that is too dramatic a statement? I think perhaps not; as a lover he is very satisfying and good fun, it's perhaps being a friend is where he is falling down at the moment.

24th January

In tradition of not looking back, I refuse to re-read anything I have already written. This may be to my detriment. Since my last entry my mind has been swung between cutting him out of life completely, and partially, and indeed continuing as we are .. so thus i am none the wiser.

I really don't know what to do. But I know that every time I sleep with him I feel a sense of, it's not quite guilt, or shame, but more disappointment. To spend time with him is an unexpected high, one which I am not aware of at the time, but when he leaves (as it's always him that leaves) it's as if my world falls to its knees.

There is now, of course, the knowledge that he is soon to spend two weeks visiting Her. Not something that is a surprise, or a disappointment, which in itself is a curious reaction.

20th January

I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince, but this is just not working, or at least it's not what I want. Is this the three month curse for real, is it a real doubt, or am i just at the mercy of my recently very sporadic emotions? I need to talk to him, I think a target of the end of January is a good idea.

I need to tell him that I'm thinking of calling it a day with him. That the longer I go on seeing him the more it feels like an affair and the more that becomes an unacceptable situation to be in. That I can't just stop sleeping with him to absolve my guilt and unease, because as lovely as he is, I want to be with him, not sat opposite him in the most platonic of ways.

My gut is telling me that something is not right, and I know what that us, but I really have to do something about it as it's becoming too much to bear. Is it her? Partly, but it's also Him, and the way he chooses to deal with contentious issues. Even writing that I feel uneasy - for example, he says he's planning three weeks away and I don't ask where, and he doesn't tell. So really, as bad as he is, I am too. Not that this all too frequent observation helps one bit but I guess one us has to break the cycle and it's not going to be him!

Logic says that if you remove the factors about which you can be proactive, the problem lies in the factors about which you can do nothing. These, as I see it are twofold. Firstly, I can't effectively affect his relationship with Her. Secondly, I can, as long as I am true to myself, do nothing about how he feels about me.

I don't doubt he likes me, and I don't doubt he has issues with Her, apply both in the reverse and I conclude that neither has any real effect on the other. I guess my conclusion for today is that if I'm having an affair I'd like to know about it, and choose whether I want it to continue. He's had his cake and I think it's about time I had mine.

Confession

I started writing this as a means to express things I didn't feel had an appropriate outlet elsewhere, but I confess, I've also been keeping a diary. It's not a daily event, more of an outlet for when my thoughts became too much to bear, and I've only just found the point at which it's appropriate that they converge. So let me take you to the most appropriate point ...

What respectable man wears a thong? I ask you!

...the type of man who is conscious of how his very handsome backside looks in a very tight pair or jeans, that's who!!

Where on earth am I? I like him, I love him even (in the loosest, most non-commital way one can make such a statement), and yet it didn't really put me off ... once indeed it was off. I remember many years ago a boyfriend of the time adorning himself with what can only be described as a market-stall paisley print shirt and dodgy canvas shoes unbefitting of the time and and indeed any fashion sense whatsoever ... it was enough to see me drink three drinks straight before I could overlook the fashion faux pax and go near him!! Not so with Mr M.

Where was I? Oh yes, Mr M: Events are not transpiring as I would have hoped. I continue to be tortured by his tremendous tendency to be oh so lovely, as well as his tendency to be oh so less than satisfactory. Many, many orgasms, and one hotel room night's worth of sheer tortuous pleasure since my last post and I fear that I fail to see the point of Mr M at all, despite the utopic state he reduces me to. Could I be suffering from the anticipated and somewhat dreaded 3 month itch, as I've now an overwhelming desire to tease a few men I know into a frenzy... I think I'll start with the easy option, Mr Marine :-)

I'm not entirely sure what to do about the thong though. What would you do?